On Judging

It seems every day lately I hear someone say something about judging and not doing it. Things like "don't judge me" and "it's not for me to judge", and "Only God can judge me".
Often times, when I hear these things, I wonder what they are doing that they think they will be judged for in the first place, and why, if the thing they are doing is so "ok", do they need to tell others how to, or not to, respond.
Usually the context is that they have a belief system, habits, course of action, or friends that they don't feel they need to be "judged" on or about. Another common context is in regards to some past mistake they made. Or perhaps a decision they have or are making that they don't want other people's input on.
Another common context is when it is clear that they know what they are doing, planning, saying, or have done or said, is wrong or unacceptable on some level.
Now be careful here. I know how sensitive this whole thing about judging and being judged is. I haven't clearly said what I think about this. Please don't get defensive yet. That part is coming soon enough, but for now all I am doing is laying the context for the conversation.

Next, I'll define some things, and then I will get to the meat of the matter.
I have to lay down some definitions because I think the word judge is used in the wrong context more than we realize. It gets used when it really would take a sentence to say what we think some variant of judge will be clear enough.

The definitions:
The word judge, in this context, is always a verb.
judge (j j) v. judge 1. To form an opinion or estimation of after careful consideration: judge heights; judging character. 2. a. Law To hear and decide on in a court of law; try: judge a case. b. Obsolete To pass sentence on; condemn. c. To act as one appointed to decide the winners of: judge an essay contest. 3. To determine or declare after consideration or deliberation. 4. Informal To have as an opinion or assumption; suppose.
Condemn: to express very strong disapproval, usually for moral reasons.
Critical: expressing disapproval of someone or something and saying what you think is bad about them.
Criticism: the act of expressing disapproval of someone, and opinions about their faults or bad qualities; a statement showing disapproval.
Criticize: to say that you disapprove of someone or something; to say what you do not like or think is wrong about.
Punative: intended as punishment.
Contempt: noun [U, sing.]
1 ~ the feeling that someone or something is without value and deserves no respect at all.
2 ~ a lack of worry or fear about rules, danger, etc<br>
Based on the definition for judge, where is the problem with judging or being judged? It sounds likes a rather natural, and often times needed, part of our daily life.

We judge everything all the time. We have to.
Try a conversation with your boss without judging his mood. You would rob yourself of important information that may cause the conversation to go very bad.
Try marrying someone without judging them, their character, their compatability with your likes and needs and goals. Hmm. Could that be part of why the divorce rate so so high? The less we judge, the worse things go.
Try buying a car without judging the salesman. And the dealership. And the mechanics. You might be walking home while your unjudged car sits in a shop being worked on by a mechanic you also didnt judge. Oops.

So, we can agree that judging people places and things is common, needed, and beneficial. So what is really being said when someone says "don't judge me", and the like?
I can come up with two possibilities.
1) Accountability or exposure.
For the people who are trying to avoid accountability for their actions, well, they already know their actions call for something more. Maybe they have amends to make, habits to break, wrongs to right. Their avoidance is in itself an admission of guilt. At that point, there is very little anyone can do to influence them to do different, to do better. We will get to specifics of that later.

2) The other possibility is that they are really saying is "Don't criticise me harshly, or be critical of me. Don't judge me without knowing the facts. Don't falsely pass judgment. Don't try to punish me. Don't alienate me for this thing."
No one likes to be criticized. Not the way it's usually done. Usually it's more condemnation than actual critical review. It is done out of an attitude of superiority, of malice, of selfish arrogance and of condemnation. And it hurts.
That kind of behavior comes from several places, like...

Stupidity.
The judge doesn't have a clue what to do about something, but foolishly act on the compulsion to do something about your mistakes anyway. A key element to this is that they see something they are sure is wrong in some way, even if they can't clearly identify it. In spite of that, and without taking the time to gather more information, they form an opinion, and proceed to try to cram it down your throat. These people are easier to dismiss because their stupidity is plain to see to most people, but more irritating because in the absence of actual information, they often resort to yelling and demeaning words to make their non-existance point.

Arrogance, that they know so much as to tell you how you are wrong, and how they are right, and how you would be better if only you would do things their way, think their way, or believe their way. And that until you do, you a loser. Or a fool. A key element to this is the condemers insistence on their "rightness", and your "wrongness" in the absence of conversation or an attempt at understanding. Often times, if you try to humbly clarify any point, it is met with a dismissive tone and then overlooked, as if they have all relevant information already, even though they haven't asked any relivent questions usually.

Malice, wanting to make you "pay" somehow for whatever you did, as if it were up to them to provide the punishment to you, and to decide what that punishment should be. These people usually can identify what the problem is pretty clearly, and fancy themselves as some kind of vigilantee, called to right the wrongs of your actions. These people are usually very close to the one being judged, so they do have an intimate knowledge of the ones they judge, or at least they think they have. But intimate and complete are not the same. They often think they have to punish you so you will learn, because you make the "same types" of mistakes all the time. Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. No matter, because they think it's time you pay for it.
And sometimes out of love. Yeah, love for you, but filled with fear. And so rather than think, they just blurt whatever ill-considered words are in their head. This is simular to both arrogance and stupidity, but in a relationship where love flows both directions. This situation can be rather confusing because we have so many of our own expectations too. We expect someone who loves us to be compassionate, understanding, considerate, and want to be a real part of the solution, to help us understand their point of view, and to really want to understand our point of view as well. We trust them, and if they see something "wrong" in us, or about our behavior or belief system, we believe them. It becomes important to us to explore it. We need them to be a part of that exploration, because we don't see this thing. But instead of helping us explore, helping us see with better eyes, we get told how wrong we are, how stupid, how reckless, how hurtful, inconsiderate, or selfish, and then dismissed

These are not the only reasons, but in my experience, they are the most common.
None of this is very helpful is it? And all of it is hurtful. And nothing gets resolved, improved, or understood.
All of that is an impersonation of "judge", and not even a very good one. Somewhere along the way, we have forgotten who, how, when, and why to judge others. And that has opened up a floodgate of distortions, misunderstandings, and hurtfulness. And today is your day to right that situation for you and your sphere of influence.</p>
<p>Real "judgeing" is something very different, and much more concrete. Much more productive and beautiful.
There is some bad news to share with you. Now, before I tell you what it is, please understand a few things. One, I don't always like the rules. Two, I didn't make them, but I am bound by them. And third, you are also bound by the same rules. We all are. Somerimes, reality just sucks.
The bad news is that we are all subject to being judged based on God's law. No one escapes it. As hard as mans judgement can be to hear, when done properly, that's a piece of chocolate cake with pretty little sprinkles compared to Gods judgment.</p>
<p>Now, a bit of good news, and then we can learn about judging as God intends it.
The good news is that the kind of judging I described above at length, the mean painful demeaning kind, has no place anywhere, especially in God's plan. It is totally against God's design, and contrary to anything He might find good or beneficial. So next time someone tries to inflict that kind of foolishness on you, you can feel free to reject it. You don't have time for it. You don't need it. It isn't going to help anyone, and it's just rude!
The bible is where we find the rules for and about judging and judgement. So here are several verses on the subject, and then several of my thoughts on them.
1Co 5:12-13 NIV says:
12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked person from among you.!
Verse 12 shows Paul asking what business is it of his to judge those outside the church. As in, not discipes of Christ and not lovers of God. We cant say believers anymore because as the Christian community has let the distortion that believing in God is all that's inportant to claim beong a Christian.&nbsp; And goes on to state that God will judge them, those outside of the church body. Could we infer from what Paul did say that he is also saying it IS OUR BUSINESS to judge those INSIDE the church, the believers? Not berate, condemn, have contempt for, cuss out, kick, or humiliate? Paul goes on to say to expel the wicked person. Drive them out. It sounds like the purpose of expelling the wicked isn't to punish them, as we often think and do. Could it to be to protect the church from wicked influences. Hmmm.
Gal 6:1 NIV says:
1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Here we are told to restore the person caught in sin GENTLY. Go back there. Read that again. It says gently. I have been caught in sin. I have seen others caught in sin. And I have seen churches and individual Christians respond to someone else's sin. I can assure you, what I have seen and experienced was anything but gentle. I have come to the conclusion that the reason for the harsh, and often times mean, treatment of an exposed sinner is because Christians just don't know what it means to restore someone gently. So in the absence of that knowledge, they revert to criticism, humiliation, and slander.
And finally, Mat 18:15-17 NIV says:
15 If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Read that again. It's important. Actually read it. I'll wait.
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Did you see that? Clear, direct, step by step procedure for how to deal with a fellow Christians sin. I can't really say much more, its all there. It's a tiered approach, starting very privately, very intimately. Just a little one-on-one. For that step, you have to make sure a few check points are in place. You have to be close enough to the person for them to listen. Because this whole judging business is so twisted, any time anyone comes off as judging, it is viewd for what it usually is - a poorly thought-out foolish venture to get the judgee to do what the judger thinks is best, by whatever means they are equiped with. Sadly, too many people are only equiped with condeming and with pride when it comes to this. Instead, we need to be equiped with love, compassion, empathy, curiosity for their perspective, humblness, and courage. If your not intimately close to a person, your judging, even if you are perfectly equiped for it and do it in total love and compassion, you will be viewed as an attacker. Any time someone feels attacked, they can respond by being defensive. Being defensive is often folloed by a counter-attack of their own. Not a very productive path when all you should want is to restore a broken relationship, right? If a stranger tells you your smoking is bad, your drinking is wrong, or your lieing is hurtful, would you listen any further, or dismiss them as jerks and never hear a word more? Before you ever go to another person with their sin, they better trust that you will be there to help, or you are just noise in the crowd. The other thing you need is the facts. That means you have to talk a little and listen lots. Ask relevent questions, sincerly wanting to know their reasons. Even if they are way offbase, they are the reasons they are doing what they are doing. And maybe things are not as you think they are. Maybe you are the one who is blind here. Be open to being clear and having good information, not just to being right.
When you judge someone properly, it is about a reltionship, a rapport you must have with the other person. They dont have to like your words, or you for that matter. But they do have to know that if you speak, it has been thought through, and that your words are meant for good not harm.
Notice the outcomes. If they listen, (I'm inferring here that by "listen", Paul is oversimplying something like "if they admit their sin and repent, seeking forgiveness and restoration". If I'm wrong there, I sincerely invite you to prove it for me.), then by Pauls own words, you have won them over. Your job is done. And in my experience, you will have deepened the relationship between you, simply because people need to be loved and understood, and if you judge rightly, thats exactly what happens. Now, if you REALLY want to deepen the relationship, after you speak to them, SHUT UP!!!! Yes, i said to SHUT UP! It is their sin. Their business. Your duty as a fellow disiple was to facilitate restoration. Since they habe seen that amd done or are doing that, your continuing duty in the situation is to SHUT UP. You dont get to share an pribate and intimate thing like that with anyone else. It is between you, them, and God. Period. The end. But. Ueah yeah, i know. Buts stink. And here is mine. I will share such things with one of two, or both, people. One is my mentor. He is a great man, and he has invested in me in more ways that i can even count. We talk about things no one else gets to hear. Iron really does sharpen iron!
The other person is my wife. Since I'm not married at the moment, its a moot point, but i will marry one day, and when I do she will also be privy to all the most intimate parts of my life. Unless the other person specificlly asks me to keep absolute secrecy, these other people may hear what has transpired. Usually it will be either before the talk with the judgee, as a way to sort things out and be sure i have my facts checked and my heart is in the right place. Or, after, to share the victory with someone who will get it.
I personally find this perfectly reasonable, and if you have such high quality people in your life, I encourage you to do the same. If you don't, I encourage you to do find some.
A caution for married folks here. Just because you are married doesn't mean your spouse is worthy of sharing another persons secrets with. We all know people we dont share things with simply because they may share with their spouse and you know the spouse is the best way to be sure a secret gets broadcast on the nightly news! If your spouse is like that, it's ok, but be respectful of the relationship with the judgee to not risk exposure for something that can only do harm if it were known.

If they don't listen, you escalate. This is sort of like an intervention that some people do with a loved one who is destroying themselves with substance abuse. It's done with the intent of them seeing their addiction (sin), seeing that it is hurting them and others, and getting help (repentance and restoration). But we go astray so easy when it comes to sin. When we are exposing a sin, it is NOT ABOUT US! WE DO NOT MATTER WHEN WE ARE BRINGING ANOTHER PERSONS SIN TO THEIR ATTENTION!! It is about them, their sin and.... brace yourself, this is big... IT IS ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD! We are there to help them, with love, empathy, compassion, gentleness, and sincere desire, to see them grow closer to God. Sin severs relationships. With believers. With unbelievers. And with God. And that is what we want to do. Restore. Not punish. Even if we got hurt in their sin. It is their sin. It is not your place to punish a sinner, just as it isn't your place to judge the world.
It can be a risky business to get that procedure wrong. If you stray, it is very easy to stray from compassion to condemning, and from restoring to attacking. I will tell you from personal experience, when people come to me attacking, with harsh words, manipulating me to concede to their opinions, ultimatums and criticalness, even if your right about my sin, I will bite back hard. See, you can not attack someone and not expect them to defend, and attack back. If that is your expectation, well, you are as impotent at restoring brothers as the people I have dealt with. The only thing they did with their little sideways gang-up is convinced me that Christians do not make good friends, and can not be trusted to be consistent in their nature any more than non-christians can be. Yeah, their little antics, that they filled with all sorts of nice little Christian sayings, only served to destroy several relationships. I have been around the block a few times, and I have some great friends and Christian family who asked me the right questions. The best one was this. "Where is my brother that would search out the Word and find the answers?"
I'm here sis, and I have been searching. Thank you for the right question.

I hope you have learned that.
Judging is NOT the negative, demeaning, belittling, arrogant, and selfish thing it has been made out to be.
Christians ARE supposed to judge.
It is our duty to judge.
We are NOT to judge unbelievers.
We are SUPPOSED to judge Christians.
When we judge a fellow Christians sin, it is to help THEM see THEIR sin, and to restore THEIR relationship with God.
All of this is to be done with compassion. And with love.
We are NOT to concern ourselves with judging a non-christian sin. That is God's job. HE DOESNT NEED YOUR HELP. With non-christians, our job is to love them, show God's love in our own life, and listen for the Holy Spirit to lead our words and actions with them.

There is a specific procedure for bringing up a brothers sin. Follow it or risk doing far more harm that good.

If you have to fall subject to God's judgement, you will, quite literally and eternally, have hell to pay.
It is actually a sign of love and great blessing for brothers and sisters in Christ to judge one another.

How would it feel to know your behavior was a key reason someone rejected Christ?
How would you feel if your behavior were so repulsive and offensive that someone decided "If that's what Christians are like, if you are a reflection of Jesus' love, I don't want any part of that!" Get judging right and you won't have to own any part of that.

So, in conclusion, yes I am judgmental, and God told me to be. He also told me how to be.

I am also human, and I screw it up. And I repent. Its part of a journey, and we are all on it. My hope is that you will really learn the compassion and love that is often missing when we judge people, and this turns judge into condemn. Judging properly is a skill that has to be practiced, especially in this world where it seems people are so busy blaming others and ignoring their own issues. It doesnt really take much thought or experience to belittle and demean and condemn people. Like so many other parts of human relatioms, to do it right takes knowledge and action. Hopefully you have better knowledge now. The action you take with it is in your hands.

Today is September 11, 2011. The 10 year anniversary of the tragic terrorist attacks in 2001. I thought i had published this blog almost a month ago, but my sister was over today and asked because she knew I was working on it. It turns out it was a good thing it didnt get published then. As her, Mom, and I talked, they said something profound that fits this day and this blog quite well.

Condemnation without investigation, information, and education is ignorance.

Since this blog has been all about condemnation vs. Judging, we can say that it has also been about ignorance vs. judging.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this. It's an important issue that really deserves to be understood.