On Digital Disasters

Below is the opening to a talk I intend on giving to churches and parent groups. I post it here to get feedback, positive and negative.  Thanks for your time and consideration.

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Digital Disasters
I'm going to tell you some true stories tonight. I need to share some of my own experiences. Some alarms will be raised. Ones that you think have already been raised. I'll show you some things you will wish I had not. And I'm must talk to you with a level of brutal honesty you're not comfortable with.

This isn't about tickling your ears, or about uplifting your spirits or encouraging you or making you feel good. In fact, quite the opposite. If some of you don't go home feeling physically ill, if some of you don't have a miserable nights sleep, I failed. This is some hard stuff. It's unpopular. It's difficult to hear, and even more difficult to live with. But too many people, both here and out in the world, don't realize the severity of the problem, or worse yet, they do know and take no action on it. That lack of knowledge and action is destroying people. Sometimes in very obvious ways. Mostly, it is in subtle, secret ways. People we all know. Our friends. Our Family. Our children. And we can stop it!

After tonight, you can not use ignorance as an excuse any more. Tonight we will replace your unrealized ignorance with knowledge and tools and encouragement from the people around you. This is going to take a community. You're gonna need the support of the people around you who are in agrement with you. I can share everything I know, and then I will leave. There will be several ways to reach my ministry if you need or want to. Phone. Email. Facebook. Twitter. The website. Youtube. A book is in the works. We are considering a video series. And invitations to come back and speak again. But you dont have to do any of that. And you are still left with the opportunity to put the tools I teach you to work any way you want. Or not at all. You can forget everything I say, teach, and do here tonight if you want. But Pease understand something. The problems I share here with you will still exist. They will still weave their way through your life, harming those you love, maybe even you. To ignore a known problem is to condone it. Your inaction after tonight can be reasonably interpreted as acceptance and maybe even support. As I talk, you will come to see how sickening it will be to condone such things. Now if you're not ready to hear me, it's ok. I understand. You can leave if you wish. I say that because I know the facts I will share with you. I know that there are a few here who have already decided what I will speak about. Usually the real techie people do that, because I am talking about technology. Trust me, this is NOT about technology! If it were, I would offer that I have been a computer nerd since the days when a mouse was a rodent, and bite was something you did with teeth. I have seen technology evolve and grow for more years than some of you have been alive. So if this were directly about technology, Im pretty well qualified to speak about it. But, us techies are a pretty arrogant crowd. So if you can't humble yourself enough to listen, techie or not, I would rather you leave than stay and poison my vibe. These things are from a lifetime of experience, observation and research. I have seen things that would make the strongest of you cry like a baby. I know because some of these things make me cry. They even have my own mentor asking me to abbreviate them when we talk. He already knows and acts on what I have to share. He already knew most of it before he ever met me. So I know I am not the only one who sees these problems, and acts on them. I will abbreviate them for you as well, as much as I am able. But, I know it is a subject still hidden. Here, now, we will drag them out of the shadows, expose them to the light and call things as they are. See, it isn't the problems that are the problem. It is actually pretty simple to protect yourself and your family from these things. It's also simple to solve some of these problems. But not if we continue to hide the truth.

This is too important to get wrong. I am gonna say things that go directly opposite of everything you know and want to believe, and you're gonna want to reject it. That's your option. But please don't. You don't know what you don't know, but you think you do. And that is the problem. Please consider my words prayerfully and completely before you decide to reject them. If I am right, and you reject this, there are tragidies beyond your imagination awaiting you and your family.

Either way, I dont lose. I dont have a dog in this race. Im just here to tell you about the racetrack. This is about you and your family. I'm here sharing this with you for your and your familes benefit.

I will gladly entertain being told you didn't understand, or that you dont want me to be right, or that you need proof, or that you don't know what to do about it. I'll entertain being told you dont like me, my methods, my attitude, or my long hair. As long as you listened and you have considered some part of my message. Thats all I expect. But please dont make the fools choice of dismissing the message simply because you dont like the messanger, or because your pride won't let you be humble.

Now, one more thing. If you are emotionally sensative, or easily mislead, or struggling with sexual addiction, pornography, or homosexuallity, or anything you know is spiritually destructive and sexually deviant, I love you, and I know your pain and struggle. Because of that, I have to ask you to leave too. Trust me, my words can be stumbling blocks to you, and that is not what I am here for. I will have resources for you to learn from and reduce your risk of exposure. But not tonight. Please, if you just got a check in your spirit, a feeling that I am talking to you, don't ignore it. I feel you, I got your back, and I am not disrespecting you. I'm loving you by giving you the opportunity to protect yourself. Dont worry about what other people here will think when you get up. They dont have to clean up the mess you will make of your spirit and emotions if you ignore the Holy Spirit!

I dont want you to get in your mind that I am expecting any of you to "save the world!" with what I share with you. Thats too big for anyone. Even God needed Jesus to pull that off. Just protect and equip your family. Protect them when you can, and equip them for when you can't. If you do that, you will lay a solid foundation for your family,

Lets go back a generation, maybe two. Someone here had a neighbor who your parents told you to avoid. Maybe your parents were paranoid. Maybe they "just had a feeling", or maybe they knew specifically why you were not allowed to interact with that neighbor. Whatever their reasons, they made the rule and you were expected to obey. They were exercising their duty and right as a parent to dictate who you could and couldn't be exposed to and influenced by. What about kids at school that you weren't allowed to be friends with. Or kids that were allowed to come to your house to play but your parents didn't let you go over to their house. What about the people you were not allowed to date? Or the places you were not allowed to go? Movies you were not allowed to see. Books you were not allowed to read? Magazines you were not allowed to have? Clothes you were forbidden to wear? Foods you coudn't eat? TV shows you were not allowed to watch? Conversations you were not allowed in on? Jobs you were not allowed to have? And lets not forget the joys of having friends over! If you were allowed to play in your room, you had to have the door open, AND keep the noise "down to a dull roar"! And if your playmate was the opposite gender, maybe you had to play in the livingroom? And there was one phone in the whole house. In the kitchen. And it had a cord. So every phone conversation you had was potentially overheard by everyone in the house. Your parents insisted on meeting your friends parents, and noone went on a date until they were 16. Even then, they had to come to the door and meet mom and dad! And on and on and on. So many rules and restrictions, doesn't it sound like those parents were just out to make sure their kids never had any fun? Well, thats not very likely or rational. It's closer to the truth to say they were simply doing what they thought was best for their kids.

What do all of those things have in common? They are all ways that a parent protects their child from the world around them.

Some parents had a tougher time than others. If you grew up in an urban enviroment, or one that had a community problem with homelessness, drugs, poverty, maybe there were houses you were told to avoid even walking past, maybe streets, maybe whole neighborhoods you were forbidden from going into. All part of a parents duty to protect you when they can.

Many of you are, or plan to be, parents. Lets try this situation out. You're house shopping, and I will be your realestate agent. I found you the perfect home. Better than perfect. It is offered $50,000 below your budget, in a nicer area, with a bigger yard, all new appliances this year, new furnace and windows. And, it even has one more bedroom than you wanted! It has always been well maintained, and a nice family friendly neighborhood. Oh, and it is closer to your jobs so you save on travel stresses. Streets are all in good repair. Neighbors yards are mostly well kept. They all drive decent cars. They all look like nice enough people. I know many of your neighbor's. Next door is a pedophie. He raped his neighbors 7 year old son. Don't worry, I'm sure your 11 year old boy is too old for him. Next to him is a drug dealer. Mostly pot, extasy if somone asks. There are lots if highschool kids coming around his place. Maybe your shy 14 year old daughter will meet some new friends there. Across the street is a real sweet lady. She is always so friendly and clearly very wealthy. She has a very high paying job. She works out of her house mostly. Clients come to her, 3 or 4 times a day, 3 or 4 days a week. She's a call girl. An escort. Oh, hey, she has a job opening. Seems she has more work that she can handle, so if you know any pretty young women looking for work, you know where to send them. I'm told the pay is good and the hours are pretty flexable, as long as the girl is too. Next to her is a young married couple. No kids yet, but lots of make up sex. Her gets drunk. She gets high. They argue. Beats her. She throws him out. He begs forgivness. She caves. They make up. Loudly. Then rinse and repeat. He has an uncle that comes over to drink with them. He's about my age I think. He likes to date younger girls. They assure me none under 18. Some of the girls he has with him look much younger, but hey, I look older than my age, so I guess you can't tell by looking right? I'm sure your princess is safe around him. When she is a little older, maybe she can hang out with his girlfriend. Then there is a nice lady down the street. She is so great. She likes to bake and her house always smells like fresh bread or sugar cookies. And she prays. A lot. Her minister calls her the chief of the prayer warriors. I think she brings fresh pies to new neighbors. Yummy! Her next door neighbors are a very sweet professional couple. They are almost never home, their high power jobs keep them pretty busy. They have 4 kids, including 2 teens. Since they have spent so much time alone after school for so long, they are all quite self-sufficient. The oldest daughter is good friends with the call girl I introduced you to earlier. So maybe that job opening has been filled. Their middle son has decided he is gay. Trouble is he doesnt know any other gay teens. This is a pretty small town. I'm sure he would love to talk to your son. I hear he is in the habit of recruiting, but that's just silly. We all know no-one recruits homosexuals. It's not a choice, just some people are gay and others aren't. Your son should be fine. Nobody likes to be the only one who feels how they feel. Your son is a tall lanky clumsy boy. Not real popular with kids at school. Especially girls. There is an older man up the street that the neighbor boy spends time with. A lot of time. As far as anyone knows, this man has never been seen with a woman except his mother and sister. He is trying to organize a local youth mentoring program. That might be good for your kids, and then your nieces and nephews have someplace to hang out when they visit. And lets not forget the very friendly middle-aged woman in the old farm house. If you check the news archive, you will see she has lost her children. Three times. For going to jail. For knowingly letting her boyfriend, a convicted bank robber and murderer, hide at her place when he had warrents. She is sure he would never hurt her kids. Or their friends. Her kids are raised as nudists, taught that their body is a temple of pleasure. The boys, their own pleasure. The girls, their masters pleasure. They are all really nice kids. The oldest, 9, is real smart. Maybe she can tutor your son. That would be nice. I mean really, what could be wrong with pleasure among consenting free spirits. Right? The parents will probably invite you to "smoke a bong and chill". I imagine their good customers of the drug dealer I told you about. I like when people buy local, don't you?

Good news too! Every night there is a little neighborhood meet-and-greet. People talk about their day, their plans, and how they feel on a wide range of subjects. Your daughter is constantly battling boy problems right? Isn't one daughter so sick of boys and their lies that she's decided to not date. Well, any well adjusted girl has to date. I'm sure someone has good advice for her at the party. I heard your son gets his lunch money stolen most days. Some days he also gets a wedgie too right? Or worse. I bet he is pretty angry about it, and feels like a total sissy. I'm sure somone at the party can help him. Tonight I hear there is a movie. Something about a girl named Debbie who goes to Texas. I dont remember if it was Dallas or Houston. They are all saying how great the movie is. I guess the neighborhood kids have really been looking forward to this for some time. They seem real excited to see it. I'm sure its fine, they wouldnt show a rated R movie to a bunch of kids. Thats just crazy. Maybe its about football. No harm there right?

Wow. That little neighborhood sounds like a total nightmare doesn't it?! Ok by a show of hands, who would live there 5 years? 5 months? 5 weeks? 5 days? Ok, 5 hours?. Really? Are you sure? Did i make it sound that bad? Did i mention the county has the lowest unemployment and crime rates in the country? Its a very safe place to live. No takers still? Well, aren't you all the diligent caretakers. Thats wonderful. Thats what parents should do.

Wouldn't it break your heart to learn after your children had been exposed to all this that it was going on, and so openly? Imagine the damage done because you didn't know. You can't protect them if you don't know right? Once you know, its a new game. You do your job and you do it well! But how long before you find all this out? How long before you suspect things are not as stable and nurturing as you believe them to be?

Would you like to know how all this and more happens in your family every day? Would you like to know how to protect your family without even having to know the details of the dangers that lay in wait to consume your family?

More importantly, would you like to know how to protect your family against such dark and dangerous influences and people? The problem is huge. The solutions are radical. And the stakes could not be higher.
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What do you think? It is more of a hook, a teaser, to get people to be compelled to contact me, to get more information, and to invite me to speak.

Please leave comments.

Thanks
Keith

On Judging

It seems every day lately I hear someone say something about judging and not doing it. Things like "don't judge me" and "it's not for me to judge", and "Only God can judge me".
Often times, when I hear these things, I wonder what they are doing that they think they will be judged for in the first place, and why, if the thing they are doing is so "ok", do they need to tell others how to, or not to, respond.
Usually the context is that they have a belief system, habits, course of action, or friends that they don't feel they need to be "judged" on or about. Another common context is in regards to some past mistake they made. Or perhaps a decision they have or are making that they don't want other people's input on.
Another common context is when it is clear that they know what they are doing, planning, saying, or have done or said, is wrong or unacceptable on some level.
Now be careful here. I know how sensitive this whole thing about judging and being judged is. I haven't clearly said what I think about this. Please don't get defensive yet. That part is coming soon enough, but for now all I am doing is laying the context for the conversation.

Next, I'll define some things, and then I will get to the meat of the matter.
I have to lay down some definitions because I think the word judge is used in the wrong context more than we realize. It gets used when it really would take a sentence to say what we think some variant of judge will be clear enough.

The definitions:
The word judge, in this context, is always a verb.
judge (j j) v. judge 1. To form an opinion or estimation of after careful consideration: judge heights; judging character. 2. a. Law To hear and decide on in a court of law; try: judge a case. b. Obsolete To pass sentence on; condemn. c. To act as one appointed to decide the winners of: judge an essay contest. 3. To determine or declare after consideration or deliberation. 4. Informal To have as an opinion or assumption; suppose.
Condemn: to express very strong disapproval, usually for moral reasons.
Critical: expressing disapproval of someone or something and saying what you think is bad about them.
Criticism: the act of expressing disapproval of someone, and opinions about their faults or bad qualities; a statement showing disapproval.
Criticize: to say that you disapprove of someone or something; to say what you do not like or think is wrong about.
Punative: intended as punishment.
Contempt: noun [U, sing.]
1 ~ the feeling that someone or something is without value and deserves no respect at all.
2 ~ a lack of worry or fear about rules, danger, etc<br>
Based on the definition for judge, where is the problem with judging or being judged? It sounds likes a rather natural, and often times needed, part of our daily life.

We judge everything all the time. We have to.
Try a conversation with your boss without judging his mood. You would rob yourself of important information that may cause the conversation to go very bad.
Try marrying someone without judging them, their character, their compatability with your likes and needs and goals. Hmm. Could that be part of why the divorce rate so so high? The less we judge, the worse things go.
Try buying a car without judging the salesman. And the dealership. And the mechanics. You might be walking home while your unjudged car sits in a shop being worked on by a mechanic you also didnt judge. Oops.

So, we can agree that judging people places and things is common, needed, and beneficial. So what is really being said when someone says "don't judge me", and the like?
I can come up with two possibilities.
1) Accountability or exposure.
For the people who are trying to avoid accountability for their actions, well, they already know their actions call for something more. Maybe they have amends to make, habits to break, wrongs to right. Their avoidance is in itself an admission of guilt. At that point, there is very little anyone can do to influence them to do different, to do better. We will get to specifics of that later.

2) The other possibility is that they are really saying is "Don't criticise me harshly, or be critical of me. Don't judge me without knowing the facts. Don't falsely pass judgment. Don't try to punish me. Don't alienate me for this thing."
No one likes to be criticized. Not the way it's usually done. Usually it's more condemnation than actual critical review. It is done out of an attitude of superiority, of malice, of selfish arrogance and of condemnation. And it hurts.
That kind of behavior comes from several places, like...

Stupidity.
The judge doesn't have a clue what to do about something, but foolishly act on the compulsion to do something about your mistakes anyway. A key element to this is that they see something they are sure is wrong in some way, even if they can't clearly identify it. In spite of that, and without taking the time to gather more information, they form an opinion, and proceed to try to cram it down your throat. These people are easier to dismiss because their stupidity is plain to see to most people, but more irritating because in the absence of actual information, they often resort to yelling and demeaning words to make their non-existance point.

Arrogance, that they know so much as to tell you how you are wrong, and how they are right, and how you would be better if only you would do things their way, think their way, or believe their way. And that until you do, you a loser. Or a fool. A key element to this is the condemers insistence on their "rightness", and your "wrongness" in the absence of conversation or an attempt at understanding. Often times, if you try to humbly clarify any point, it is met with a dismissive tone and then overlooked, as if they have all relevant information already, even though they haven't asked any relivent questions usually.

Malice, wanting to make you "pay" somehow for whatever you did, as if it were up to them to provide the punishment to you, and to decide what that punishment should be. These people usually can identify what the problem is pretty clearly, and fancy themselves as some kind of vigilantee, called to right the wrongs of your actions. These people are usually very close to the one being judged, so they do have an intimate knowledge of the ones they judge, or at least they think they have. But intimate and complete are not the same. They often think they have to punish you so you will learn, because you make the "same types" of mistakes all the time. Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. No matter, because they think it's time you pay for it.
And sometimes out of love. Yeah, love for you, but filled with fear. And so rather than think, they just blurt whatever ill-considered words are in their head. This is simular to both arrogance and stupidity, but in a relationship where love flows both directions. This situation can be rather confusing because we have so many of our own expectations too. We expect someone who loves us to be compassionate, understanding, considerate, and want to be a real part of the solution, to help us understand their point of view, and to really want to understand our point of view as well. We trust them, and if they see something "wrong" in us, or about our behavior or belief system, we believe them. It becomes important to us to explore it. We need them to be a part of that exploration, because we don't see this thing. But instead of helping us explore, helping us see with better eyes, we get told how wrong we are, how stupid, how reckless, how hurtful, inconsiderate, or selfish, and then dismissed

These are not the only reasons, but in my experience, they are the most common.
None of this is very helpful is it? And all of it is hurtful. And nothing gets resolved, improved, or understood.
All of that is an impersonation of "judge", and not even a very good one. Somewhere along the way, we have forgotten who, how, when, and why to judge others. And that has opened up a floodgate of distortions, misunderstandings, and hurtfulness. And today is your day to right that situation for you and your sphere of influence.</p>
<p>Real "judgeing" is something very different, and much more concrete. Much more productive and beautiful.
There is some bad news to share with you. Now, before I tell you what it is, please understand a few things. One, I don't always like the rules. Two, I didn't make them, but I am bound by them. And third, you are also bound by the same rules. We all are. Somerimes, reality just sucks.
The bad news is that we are all subject to being judged based on God's law. No one escapes it. As hard as mans judgement can be to hear, when done properly, that's a piece of chocolate cake with pretty little sprinkles compared to Gods judgment.</p>
<p>Now, a bit of good news, and then we can learn about judging as God intends it.
The good news is that the kind of judging I described above at length, the mean painful demeaning kind, has no place anywhere, especially in God's plan. It is totally against God's design, and contrary to anything He might find good or beneficial. So next time someone tries to inflict that kind of foolishness on you, you can feel free to reject it. You don't have time for it. You don't need it. It isn't going to help anyone, and it's just rude!
The bible is where we find the rules for and about judging and judgement. So here are several verses on the subject, and then several of my thoughts on them.
1Co 5:12-13 NIV says:
12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked person from among you.!
Verse 12 shows Paul asking what business is it of his to judge those outside the church. As in, not discipes of Christ and not lovers of God. We cant say believers anymore because as the Christian community has let the distortion that believing in God is all that's inportant to claim beong a Christian.&nbsp; And goes on to state that God will judge them, those outside of the church body. Could we infer from what Paul did say that he is also saying it IS OUR BUSINESS to judge those INSIDE the church, the believers? Not berate, condemn, have contempt for, cuss out, kick, or humiliate? Paul goes on to say to expel the wicked person. Drive them out. It sounds like the purpose of expelling the wicked isn't to punish them, as we often think and do. Could it to be to protect the church from wicked influences. Hmmm.
Gal 6:1 NIV says:
1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Here we are told to restore the person caught in sin GENTLY. Go back there. Read that again. It says gently. I have been caught in sin. I have seen others caught in sin. And I have seen churches and individual Christians respond to someone else's sin. I can assure you, what I have seen and experienced was anything but gentle. I have come to the conclusion that the reason for the harsh, and often times mean, treatment of an exposed sinner is because Christians just don't know what it means to restore someone gently. So in the absence of that knowledge, they revert to criticism, humiliation, and slander.
And finally, Mat 18:15-17 NIV says:
15 If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Read that again. It's important. Actually read it. I'll wait.
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Did you see that? Clear, direct, step by step procedure for how to deal with a fellow Christians sin. I can't really say much more, its all there. It's a tiered approach, starting very privately, very intimately. Just a little one-on-one. For that step, you have to make sure a few check points are in place. You have to be close enough to the person for them to listen. Because this whole judging business is so twisted, any time anyone comes off as judging, it is viewd for what it usually is - a poorly thought-out foolish venture to get the judgee to do what the judger thinks is best, by whatever means they are equiped with. Sadly, too many people are only equiped with condeming and with pride when it comes to this. Instead, we need to be equiped with love, compassion, empathy, curiosity for their perspective, humblness, and courage. If your not intimately close to a person, your judging, even if you are perfectly equiped for it and do it in total love and compassion, you will be viewed as an attacker. Any time someone feels attacked, they can respond by being defensive. Being defensive is often folloed by a counter-attack of their own. Not a very productive path when all you should want is to restore a broken relationship, right? If a stranger tells you your smoking is bad, your drinking is wrong, or your lieing is hurtful, would you listen any further, or dismiss them as jerks and never hear a word more? Before you ever go to another person with their sin, they better trust that you will be there to help, or you are just noise in the crowd. The other thing you need is the facts. That means you have to talk a little and listen lots. Ask relevent questions, sincerly wanting to know their reasons. Even if they are way offbase, they are the reasons they are doing what they are doing. And maybe things are not as you think they are. Maybe you are the one who is blind here. Be open to being clear and having good information, not just to being right.
When you judge someone properly, it is about a reltionship, a rapport you must have with the other person. They dont have to like your words, or you for that matter. But they do have to know that if you speak, it has been thought through, and that your words are meant for good not harm.
Notice the outcomes. If they listen, (I'm inferring here that by "listen", Paul is oversimplying something like "if they admit their sin and repent, seeking forgiveness and restoration". If I'm wrong there, I sincerely invite you to prove it for me.), then by Pauls own words, you have won them over. Your job is done. And in my experience, you will have deepened the relationship between you, simply because people need to be loved and understood, and if you judge rightly, thats exactly what happens. Now, if you REALLY want to deepen the relationship, after you speak to them, SHUT UP!!!! Yes, i said to SHUT UP! It is their sin. Their business. Your duty as a fellow disiple was to facilitate restoration. Since they habe seen that amd done or are doing that, your continuing duty in the situation is to SHUT UP. You dont get to share an pribate and intimate thing like that with anyone else. It is between you, them, and God. Period. The end. But. Ueah yeah, i know. Buts stink. And here is mine. I will share such things with one of two, or both, people. One is my mentor. He is a great man, and he has invested in me in more ways that i can even count. We talk about things no one else gets to hear. Iron really does sharpen iron!
The other person is my wife. Since I'm not married at the moment, its a moot point, but i will marry one day, and when I do she will also be privy to all the most intimate parts of my life. Unless the other person specificlly asks me to keep absolute secrecy, these other people may hear what has transpired. Usually it will be either before the talk with the judgee, as a way to sort things out and be sure i have my facts checked and my heart is in the right place. Or, after, to share the victory with someone who will get it.
I personally find this perfectly reasonable, and if you have such high quality people in your life, I encourage you to do the same. If you don't, I encourage you to do find some.
A caution for married folks here. Just because you are married doesn't mean your spouse is worthy of sharing another persons secrets with. We all know people we dont share things with simply because they may share with their spouse and you know the spouse is the best way to be sure a secret gets broadcast on the nightly news! If your spouse is like that, it's ok, but be respectful of the relationship with the judgee to not risk exposure for something that can only do harm if it were known.

If they don't listen, you escalate. This is sort of like an intervention that some people do with a loved one who is destroying themselves with substance abuse. It's done with the intent of them seeing their addiction (sin), seeing that it is hurting them and others, and getting help (repentance and restoration). But we go astray so easy when it comes to sin. When we are exposing a sin, it is NOT ABOUT US! WE DO NOT MATTER WHEN WE ARE BRINGING ANOTHER PERSONS SIN TO THEIR ATTENTION!! It is about them, their sin and.... brace yourself, this is big... IT IS ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD! We are there to help them, with love, empathy, compassion, gentleness, and sincere desire, to see them grow closer to God. Sin severs relationships. With believers. With unbelievers. And with God. And that is what we want to do. Restore. Not punish. Even if we got hurt in their sin. It is their sin. It is not your place to punish a sinner, just as it isn't your place to judge the world.
It can be a risky business to get that procedure wrong. If you stray, it is very easy to stray from compassion to condemning, and from restoring to attacking. I will tell you from personal experience, when people come to me attacking, with harsh words, manipulating me to concede to their opinions, ultimatums and criticalness, even if your right about my sin, I will bite back hard. See, you can not attack someone and not expect them to defend, and attack back. If that is your expectation, well, you are as impotent at restoring brothers as the people I have dealt with. The only thing they did with their little sideways gang-up is convinced me that Christians do not make good friends, and can not be trusted to be consistent in their nature any more than non-christians can be. Yeah, their little antics, that they filled with all sorts of nice little Christian sayings, only served to destroy several relationships. I have been around the block a few times, and I have some great friends and Christian family who asked me the right questions. The best one was this. "Where is my brother that would search out the Word and find the answers?"
I'm here sis, and I have been searching. Thank you for the right question.

I hope you have learned that.
Judging is NOT the negative, demeaning, belittling, arrogant, and selfish thing it has been made out to be.
Christians ARE supposed to judge.
It is our duty to judge.
We are NOT to judge unbelievers.
We are SUPPOSED to judge Christians.
When we judge a fellow Christians sin, it is to help THEM see THEIR sin, and to restore THEIR relationship with God.
All of this is to be done with compassion. And with love.
We are NOT to concern ourselves with judging a non-christian sin. That is God's job. HE DOESNT NEED YOUR HELP. With non-christians, our job is to love them, show God's love in our own life, and listen for the Holy Spirit to lead our words and actions with them.

There is a specific procedure for bringing up a brothers sin. Follow it or risk doing far more harm that good.

If you have to fall subject to God's judgement, you will, quite literally and eternally, have hell to pay.
It is actually a sign of love and great blessing for brothers and sisters in Christ to judge one another.

How would it feel to know your behavior was a key reason someone rejected Christ?
How would you feel if your behavior were so repulsive and offensive that someone decided "If that's what Christians are like, if you are a reflection of Jesus' love, I don't want any part of that!" Get judging right and you won't have to own any part of that.

So, in conclusion, yes I am judgmental, and God told me to be. He also told me how to be.

I am also human, and I screw it up. And I repent. Its part of a journey, and we are all on it. My hope is that you will really learn the compassion and love that is often missing when we judge people, and this turns judge into condemn. Judging properly is a skill that has to be practiced, especially in this world where it seems people are so busy blaming others and ignoring their own issues. It doesnt really take much thought or experience to belittle and demean and condemn people. Like so many other parts of human relatioms, to do it right takes knowledge and action. Hopefully you have better knowledge now. The action you take with it is in your hands.

Today is September 11, 2011. The 10 year anniversary of the tragic terrorist attacks in 2001. I thought i had published this blog almost a month ago, but my sister was over today and asked because she knew I was working on it. It turns out it was a good thing it didnt get published then. As her, Mom, and I talked, they said something profound that fits this day and this blog quite well.

Condemnation without investigation, information, and education is ignorance.

Since this blog has been all about condemnation vs. Judging, we can say that it has also been about ignorance vs. judging.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this. It's an important issue that really deserves to be understood.

On Fatherhood

There is a legacy in my family tree of broken children making families of broken children. Of moms and dads raising up poorly equipped children, then wondering why their children live a life of broken relationships and mediocrity. This is my story about my part in living that vicious cycle, perpetuating it, and now breaking it.

Oh how I remember as a young boy, I longed for a real daddy. I have two brothers and two sisters, all of who have the same father, and a different father than mine. Mom and her first husband, my brother's and sisters father, split for good when my oldest sister was only 6 years old. I had my foster father Pa, and he was great. He is still the greatest man I have ever hugged. He has taught me more by his humble example than most people teach in a lifetime of words. And I remember how I just loved waking up at Pa and Mamma Ethel's when I'd visit.
See, Pa and Mamma Ethel were my foster parents when I was just a baby, but my mom made sure I always had free access to them even after I was back home with her. That is one of the greatest gifts she gave me. An example of a man and a father that otherwise would have not existed for me.
But no matter how great my time there was, it was there. As in not at home. I never got to wake up with Pa on a school day. Except on the weekends I visited on a Friday, I didn't get to greet him as he came home from work. Oh man I felt like a king when he hugged me and smiled as he walked in the back door. Good times for sure. But it was a rare treat, not a regular part of my life. And as a young boy, I needed that. I needed my Pa. Every day. And we all need daddy. Daily.
I remember one day getting out of my mom's old Chevy Suburban as were going to Big Boy's for lunch, I looked at mom and like it was a normal kids curiosity, asked "mom when are you gonna get me a dad?" I don't remember her answer, but the only one that would have mattered was "right after lunch", and that wasn't the answer I got.
See, I had met my birth certificate father when I was about 7 or 8. At church. Mom pointed to him and told me that was Bob. That was my dad. I remember walking up to him, looking at him and saying hi. I gave him a hug like I'd been storing them up all these years just for him. That was the day I experienced stoic. Dead fish. Statue stiff. I expected a greeting like a long lost son would get. You know, hugs and smiles and kisses and such. What I got was more like what you might see when a boy with swine flu hugged you. It was not the greeting I expected from my father. I was crushed. And angry. I remember thinking all thru that church service what a dick he was and wondering what I did wrong. I'd never imagined a father could be so cold to his child.
From then until 1986 I hated him and always wondered how he could do that.
As a result of his coldness, I promised my future children that they would have their father. My kids would not have the holes on their heart I had. They would not wonder what was so wrong with them that their own father could barely stand to be touched by them. That's not how a father responds to his children. No matter what the relationship with the mother. And damn it, my kids were not going to have to feel a chill like that from their father. I was NOT gonna be a father like that!
As a result of Pa's love and the warmth he always showed me, I decided that my children WOULD have that. That's the father every child should have. Needs. Wants. And damn it, mine were gonna have him. I was gonna be a dad to my kids like my Pa was to me. My kids were gonna have a family.
Well, I got my answer to how my dad could be such a cold hearted dick to me. He wasn't my father.
At this point I gotta explain something that some of you might need to hear. Families have secrets. Right or wrong, productive or destructive, they exist. The more dysfunctional the family is, the more secrets there are, and the more destructive they are. In explaining this secret to follow, it isn't about assigning blame. It's just about being transparent, with the goal of understanding what happened, so maybe others get to learn from my family, so theirs don't have to live the same mistakes. That is the essence of wisdom, learning from others experiences so you don't have to live it yourself.
One secret in my family was that my father was not listed on my birth certificate. It is very possible that the man listed on my birth certificate, not my biological father, knew this detail. With that piece of information, it makes a whole lot more sense why he had zero desire to embrace me. He knew I wasn't his son. In '86 mom told me who my real father was. As it turns out, there is a strong possibility that he never even knew I existed. So my real father didn't know I existed, and the guy on my birth certificate didn't want me, with very good reason. So yeah, me and the whole fatherhood thing got pretty twisted pretty early in life.
As I merged into adulthood from childhood, I knew what I wanted. A family. A stable loving happy marriage and family. Children who grew up knowing that mom and dad loved them and each other enough to give them the mom, dad, family, and life they needed to live their lives well. Whatever that was for them, I just wanted my kids to be better that I was. Have better than I had. Isn't that what we all want for our family?
Here I have to reitterate something. The next section, in fact none of this, is about assigning blame. It's about beginning to understand why the past has been the way it has, and why the future can be different. Better. It's about learning from the past so it can be left there. There are lessons to learn from history, whether it's the history of a nation or the history of a family. Those lessons have to be learned. Until they are, they will scream distractions and misdirection onto the future. Once those lessons are learned, the past can echo positively into the future. I'm enjoying hearing the past echo more and scream less.
As a young man, in the United States Navy, I started on the journey of my adulthood. I knew what I wanted. I had seen it. And now was my time to do it. I got married, my beautiful wife got pregnant, after we talked and decided that we wanted to get pregnant. Then we got separated. Then my first son was born. Then we got divorced. Then I started dating a married woman with a 3 year old daughter. Then we moved in together. Then she got divorced. Then she gave birth to her second daughter (her and her husband's second child).  Then she got pregnant. Then she had my second son. Then we broke up when my second son was 3. All that was before I was even 24.
Oh. Wait. That doesn't sound like a very good start to the goals dreams and promises I had for my family does it? Hmm. If I had to play fortune teller after hearing about that last paragraph, I could solidly predict that not a single one of the goals dreams and promises I had for my family would come true. That sounds like a recipe for failure if ever there was one doesn't it?
Well, I'm here to tell you I sucked at starting a family. At being a dad. At being a husband. At being a man of honor. At building a stable durable marriage.
Of course I did. I mean, yeah, I had seen a functional family. A real dad. A good husband. A man of honor. A stable and durable marriage. But what I lacked was the preparation to be and do what I saw. The equipping. I have seen a house before too, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna be able to build one!
See, as hard as mom tried, as well intentioned as she was, and as much as she wanted to do right by her children, the truth is - she couldn't. Not in many ways. But she didn't know what ways she was coming up short, what ways could be most effectively used to improve our chance of success as adults.
Now I'm not about to try to troubleshoot the hows and why's and whatfores of my upbringing to any great detail. There is nothing to gain in that once it has been done enough to learn the lessons to be had. It's easy to let a conversation like this to slip from reflection and learning onto judging and condemning. I have already proven that I am in no position to judge for the purpose of blame and criticism. It could be argued that I have been no better a father to my children than my mother has been to hers. Which is really pathetic because a key requirement to be a father is in fact being male!
Ideally, we spend the first 18 years of our lives being nurtured and prepared and tested for adulthood. That isn't something that can be done without a plan and a purpose concioisly in mind. It is not wise to expect that our children are trained and equiped to handle a situation as an adult unless we know we equipped them with the needed tools when we had them under our care and direction.
Now, having been protected when needed, and prepared as needed, we are able to step out into the world and live a life worth living. Worth it to each individual.
It has been my experience and observation that this equipping has to happen. It isn't optional. As long as it goes undone, the persons life is simply a string of tragedies connected by tears and laughter. Me and mom have talked a lot about this. Based on our conversations, her childhood prep time for adulthood wasn't any better than she was able to do for her own children. So this next part is said for her as an adult as much as for me as an adult, which will show the cycle we both want to see learned from then shattered into oblivion!
If that preparation, nurturing and equipping doesn't get done at home, in the protective loving care and guidance of mom and dad, we get to do it for ourselves once we are let lose at 18. It's kinda the same as giving a person a truckload of rocks and a few pine trees and expecting them to know how to build a house. If it ever happens, it's not gonna be pretty, and its gonna take them forever!
But, no matter what, the house is going to get built. The life is going be lived. If they don't get equipped in childhood, they will have no choice but learn as an adult. It's much more difficult to learn as an adult what needed to be taught as a child. It's kind of like learning to land an airplane without knowing how to fly one. It can be done but it is stressful. It can be very bumpy. And the chances of it ending in a terrible tragedy is very high!
So, what does all this mean for now, and the future, and why have I bothered to even say all this?
Well, as I said earlier, I have failed as a father. I didn't play the positive encouraging loving role in my children's lives. I have spent a long time learning things not learned as a child. To some of you they would be simple things. Seemingly trivial. Like a carpenter learning what a hammer and nail are. But like those seemingly minor things, if left out, things can come crashing down around you. If I knew as an 18 year old what I know now, my life would have been very different. It's a pretty safe bet we can all say that. Looking back, and knowing where my life is now, and knowing what my life is like, I'm content. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." It doesn't say anything like "everything that happens is God's plan." And it doesn't say that God makes everything all good. And it doesn't say that everything happens for a reason. It says that all things work TOGETHER for GOOD to those who LOVE GOD. I take that to mean that God is the lemonade master! No matter what we do, or how we screw it up, God can take any lemon (situation, accident, mistake, victory or failure) and make lemonade (make it work for His will and glory), and if we love him, he does. Including the mess I have made of my life thus far.
So, as I sit here, knowing all to well the mistakes of the past, I have regrets and I have opportunities.
I want my boys to know that I know I failed them.

Boys, I know you did not get from me what only your father can give you, and I am sorry. I can't undo it, I can't redo it, and I cant do it now. The things I needed to do for you, the things I was responsible for making sure you were equipped for, were time sensitive. They had a schedule that I did not keep, and I can't roll back the clock now and do my job. I failed you both. And I know it. I know you did learn some of those things, in spite of my foolish failures. Far far to many you didn't learn. Some you learned but in a distorted or incomplete way. I don't know the what's or where's or whys of all that. And for that I'm sorry too.
You are both in a very simular place to where I was at your age. And you get to decide where things go from here. There are still lots of things you need to learn. Some things you may know about, many you don't.
I failed to train you up in the way you should go, and now you have to do it yourself. Its not fair. It's not right that you should have to start your journey into manhood having to learn things you should have been taught in childhood. But it is your reality.
All I can do at this stage of your life, in addition to offering my sincere apology, is offer to share my experiences with you so you can consider how my life and it's lessons might serve to help you live yours better. My hope for you is that before you start a family, you will have learned enough to not continue the tragic legacy that has run rampant on both my family and your mother's family for at least 2 generations. My hope is for you to really be better. Better that the sum of your childhood. Better than mine and your mother's lives have been so far. And at least as good as you dream it to be.
No matter your relationship with God, you have to know that He works daily to influence and direct your life for greatness and for honor and glory and joy. He is the only reason I have not made some of the most tragic mistakes I was presented with over the years. Find people to learn from and grow from. If I can be a part of that, I would be honored.
I love you. And I will be whatever part of your life and learning now that you need me to be.

Happy Fathers Day
Dad

In The Beginning ... (for WorkingOnWise at least)

<p>So, I suppose a bit of background would be a nice place to kick off this rather curious mashup of knowledge, wisdom, and opinion.<br>
WorkingOnWise.com is the accumulation of years on the namesake quest of Wisdom. Over the years, I have come to understand wisdom better. And even apply is in my life, though not nearly as consistantly or completely as I wish I had.<br>
Right off the bat I have to be clear. WorkingOnWise is an online persona I created with my very first email account on the Hotmail service back in 1996. I heard a conversation on a TV show and I reached the conclusion that I should be, am called to be, and want to be, wise. So I had better get to it. Working On Wise.<br>
Now it's been over 15 years since I started to really understand that life-defining call. And I am still working on it. I will always be working on it. There are days when, to hear me speak, you'd think me and King Solomon were best of friends. And then other days, you will look at me and wonder if I have ever seen the word in print! Yeah, always working in it, but not always wise!</p>
<p>But, spend as much time as I have in the study of, pursuit of, and even the ocassional application of, wisdom, and you learn a thing or two about it. In all fairness to God, this call was not first made in '96. It was more like '80. But '96 was the first time I actually "got it". Sorry Lord. I can't imagine the number of times and various ways I have made you shake your head. Thank you for being far far more patient than I am!<br>
So, the first thing I learned about wisdom is that it needs a compass. An anchor. A standard to be measured and tested by. And I'm sure you have guessed by now that I think that standard is the Bible. Not only do I *think* it, it's a simple undeniable truth. And your right. Using any other method besides the Bible, is only a great way to experience ever-increasing confusion. It's a whole long blog entry to fully explain that last sentence, but let me try to give you the mountaintop view so you can see some of where this is going.</p>
<p>See, people think they know the Bible when they really don't. And they think they don't when they do. And they think they know what it is and isn't, and that's not always reliable either. Add that to the simple fact that we are all sinners, all filthy rags when left to our own devices, and we all have an agenda, usually well hidden, and you get a sense for why the Bible seems to fail so often.<br>
No no, im not a bible scholar of any note. I'm just a guy who knows what he knows, knows what he doesn't know, and is ok with being corrected. And I know who really does know EVERYTHING. I insist on being accurate. Right. Correct. Not right because I say so. Right because it's right. Accurate. See, if I think the water is cold, and you insist it's boiling, and I'm reaching for a boiled potato, what's more important? Me being "right" or me having accurate beliefs about the water? Right loses to accuracy here, if right is predicated on my belief being the one to win the conflict. No matter what I believe, if I reach my hand in for that potato I WILL get burned, and no amount of *right* will prevent the blisters!<br>
So when I say the Bible is the compass and measure for wisdom, I mean the Bible. Not my pastors interpretation of it. Or my granny Jeanette. Or the Pope's. Or my own. Or even King James! I mean the Bible, raw and in the flesh. This is another blog entry as well, but like most books, the Bible usually can not be picked apart and read selectively and skimmed over, and expect it to glean much use to the reader. Like most books, there is much more to it, and to read it like it's some kind of kids story or travel pamphlet only sets the reader up for confusion failure and frustration. Doesn't all that sound familiar when the Bible gets involved?<br>
The other thing I learned long long ago is to invite correction. Not condemnation and putative judgment. Try that for very long and you will get a reminder of the fact that I did grow up in the ghetto. No, I mean correction. Like the boiling water. If I was a kid and my mom saw me doing that, she'd smack my hand hard. I'd be mad she hit me. Then I'd touch my potatoe to start eating it. And *whoa mamma that sucker is HOT!* ohhhh, boiled potato, hot water. I get it! And I would be blister free enjoying my yummy potatoes. That's correction. Of course, she might have just yelled and belittled me, telling me there is something wrong with me for not learning the first time, but not doing anything to really help teach me the lesson I clearly still needed to learn. That's condemnation and punative judgement. No one learns. Feelings get hurt. Relationships get fractured. And most likely, I get blisters, and no potato!<br>
If we are going to get more wisdom, it will happen in part because we welcome correction.</p>
<p>Wisdom is a tangible commodity. Not unlike many other skills. A mechanic gets "rusty" when he goes a few months without turning a wrench, troubleshooting a problem, or evaluating a customer concern. A dancers balance is a little off after a few weeks of not being in the dance studio. And wise men get a little sideways when they don't regularly apply the wisdom given to them. And that's where this blog begins. Applying wisdom, reasoning together and encouraging all of us to think past our own limitations fears and traditions. Wisdom applied is wisdom gained, and iron sharpens iron.<br>
So, with all that said, come along for a ride where wisdom shows up.<br>
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